Lost Paradise Read online

  “You just told me the locks we have are fine.”

  “For repelling small time burglars, sure,” he replied worriedly. “But Robert could get through them as fast as I did tonight. Much as I don’t want you to, maybe you should stay with Devlin—”

  “No way,” I shouted. “I’m not staying with him!”

  Theo turned to me and grabbed my shoulders. “What is it with you?” he said, his eyes hard. “You tell me you love him and you’re having his baby. You just had exotic sex with him and his brother at the same time. Yet you don’t want to live with him, even if it’s just for a little while? You could’ve been killed today!”

  I flushed deep red. “Don’t you want me with you?” I asked meekly.

  Theo’s face softened. “Of course I do. But maybe that isn’t the safest place for you—”

  “There’s danger no matter where I am—”

  “Don’t argue with me. I’m your husband—”

  Suddenly enraged at his presumptuous, patronizing tone, I got up, and left the room.

  “Sar!” he called after me.

  I didn’t answer him. I needed some space from all the men in my life, beginning right now. Grabbing my jacket and my keys, I headed out to the truck.

  “Sar!” Theo shouted. “Come back!”

  He’d be out here in a few seconds, once he pulled on some clothes. If I wanted to get away, I had better move fast. I got in the truck, raised the garage door, and started the engine. Backing out quickly, I drove off, keeping my lights off until I reached the road.

  I drove aimlessly for a while, wishing futilely that I had a girlfriend to talk to who would understand. Kat was out: she only had one man to make happy, so she couldn’t understand my troubles, plus she’d be appalled. Serena might understand, but she was probably working, as it was night. Suri might have understood, she’d loved two men at once. But she was dead; she had died in my arms last summer.

  Screw it, I would go talk to Suri. At least she was sure not to be appalled, dead as she was. I drove to the Chinese restaurant, parked, and then walked to the Eckerd’s nearby and bought some flowers. They were green carnations for St. Patrick’s Day. Suri would think they were comical, if she was looking down from Heaven. Walking back outside, I strode over behind the dumpster, and teleported to Danial’s land. Soon, I was standing beneath the branches of the great oak tree in his cemetery.

  I walked to Suri’s grave, and sat beside her headstone. “Hi, Suri,” I said, laying my hand on her headstone. It was cold beneath my fingers. The wind whispered in the leafless trees, making them sway.

  “I’m so afraid. I don’t know what to do. Some of my frustration is that there is nothing I can do. I spend most of the time feeling panicked, trapped, and I don't know why. I wanted Devlin. I wanted to be with him. I know I loved him, I felt it! Now that I have him, I feel like I want nothing more than to go back and erase everything he and I shared, and just be with Theo. Then when I’m with Devlin, all I want is him. I feel crazy!”

  I blotted my tears with a tissue, hoping I’d hear some ghostly advice, or that an answer would come to me suddenly. But there was nothing, only the wind through the branches of the trees, a gentle sliding and rasping sound that was somehow morose. An owl hooted once, twice, and then fell silent.

  With the ghostly advice option gone, the only thing left was introspection. I had come here to find answers. I’d best start looking on my own, or I’d never get anywhere before someone found me. By now Theo had called Danial and maybe Devlin, too. Titus probably had a way to locate me. I’d better make use of my time.

  Trying to really meet the needs of three men was too much. There was a one man-one woman statute for a reason, and this was it. It was too hard to see someone once a week and pack enough attention for a whole week into twenty-four hours. Devlin wanted more, of course; hell, he wanted all of my love and attention. Theo was content with what he had, but he wouldn’t settle for less, no matter what he said. Danial wasn’t as demanding as he had once been, but he, too, wouldn’t settle for less. Truthfully, he wanted more from me, if he could have it. There was only so much of me to give. My indiscretions with Lash had made the situation worse in all three relationships.

  This had to end. I couldn’t take it, not for much longer. So someone had to go, or several someones. But who? And how?

  For the first time, I sat there and seriously thought about leaving. I could get in my truck, and just disappear. The only thing that stopped me was that I knew that the three of them would combine forces to find me, probably within hours. Devlin would stop at nothing, until he had me back. Lash would be right there, helping him. Then I would be under guard all the time, perhaps even with a collar equipped with a tracking device, so Devlin could be assured I wouldn’t escape him again.

  That wasn’t a real option anyway. I had responsibilities: my pets, my children, not to mention that I was pregnant, oathed and married. I couldn’t just leave.

  I was strong. I had to find a way to do this until I had the babies, at least. Then…maybe then, if things were still overwhelming, I’d take off. Maybe Theo was right, that Devlin would tire of me. With him out of my life, there would be just Danial and Theo, a much more manageable twosome.

  Despair swept me at the thought of losing Devlin, or never having him touch me again. “You are fucking crazy,” I said loudly, furious with myself. “You don’t want to live with him, but you don’t want to lose him. What exactly do you want from Devlin, really?”

  I didn’t want him to show up, and demand anything of me, but I wanted his protection, and for him not to be with anyone else. What the hell did I want, for him to love me from afar? To send me flowers as before, and pine for me, and send me poetry, but not be with me?

  My face suffused with shame, bitter tears filling my eyes. That was what I wanted of him. I had liked how Devlin had made me feel in the fall, when he had been in Rio, and I just heard from him on the phone, and on e-mail. He’d made me feel wanted, and I’d liked how that felt. I’d liked the illicit romance, the affair we’d had. When we’d moved from storybook romance into a real relationship, something had changed for me in how I felt about him, even though he’d acted the same.

  How was that fair to him? It wasn’t. Worse, how could I honestly say I loved him if this is how I treated him? I’d liked the bantering, the teasing, the games he and I played. But I hadn’t wanted to move beyond the games, and we had, when I’d Oathed to him.

  I cried harder, ashamed. I’d known what he was when I’d accepted him, and it was too late to back out now, no matter if my feelings toward him had changed. I had a duty to him to treat him well. He had saved me, and he loved me, no matter what else he was.

  Angrily, I wiped my face on my sleeves. Theo was right. I had to stop thinking of what I wanted and do what was best for my unborn children. That meant I had to go to Devlin until Theo handled Robert and whomever had tried to blow us up this afternoon.

  Feeling more in control, I got up and teleported back to the Chinese restaurant. I called Danial, and left him a voice mail, telling him that I was on my way to Devlin’s. I thought about calling Devlin next, but I didn’t want to. What if he told me not to come? He had told me not to come this week, but that was to work. But he’d also told me I was always welcome at Hayden…Screw it, fuck it, I didn’t care anymore. I was going to Hayden, for better or worse.

  * * * *

  About eleven, I drove up to Hayden’s gates and pushed the button.

  “Yes?” said Titus’s voice through the speaker.

  “Titus, it’s me, Sar,” I said. “Open the doors, please.”

  “Okay,” he said, surprised.

  I drove in the opening doors and used my garage door opener to park my truck in an empty bay. I walked in slowly, wondering what I’d find. What if Devlin was here with someone?

  I went into the kitchen, but saw no one. I went to the foot of the stairs and looked up into Lash’s reptile eyes. He stood waiting at the top in jeans
and a shirt, with no shoes, his hair in all directions.

  Had he’d been sleeping, and gotten up for me? “Hi.”

  “I can’t let you in his bedroom,” Lash hissed. “Not until Titus clears you.”

  Titus appeared beside me. “She’s fine, Lash.” He hugged me. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you here? Devlin said nothing to me about you coming today—”

  “There was an attempt on Theo’s life today,” I said tiredly.

  Titus teleported us to his basement lab, then gestured to a set of huge leather chairs. I sank down into one and he sat down in the other, motioning to me to tell him what had happened. After I recapped the tale, he nodded.

  “He’s right,” Titus said. “No one would try to get you here, it’s too fortified. Theo also never comes here, so anyone looking for him wouldn’t keep tabs on Hayden.” He paused. “Thank you for what you did for Terian. He called today to say he had found his brother’s family. Matt’s parents and his older brother are long dead, but his sister is still alive. Terian is going to talk to her tomorrow, pretend he is an insurance adjuster and tell her that some money has come to her, finally. That despite whatever reason her brother disappeared all those years ago, he loved her.”

  I wiped at more tears, but these were of happiness. “God, my face must be a mess.”

  Titus handed me a black handkerchief from his pocket. It felt very warm, like it had come right out of the dryer. Finding that very comforting, I gave him a smile as I dabbed at my eyes. “Thanks. I’m glad he can finally let it go.”

  “Let me escort you upstairs,” Titus said, getting up. “You must be tired, and also, you need to call Theo to tell him you got here okay.”

  Oiy. That hadn’t been on my list of things to do. But he was right. “Yes.”

  * * * *

  Theo picked up immediately, frantic. “Devlin, have you seen her?”

  I felt terrible yet again. “It’s me, Theo. I needed to drive for a while and sort some things out. But I’m taking your advice. I’ll be spending tonight here—”

  “With him,” he growled jealously.

  I lost it completely. “Make up your fucking mind!” I screamed. “You tell me to come here, that I shouldn’t stay with you. Then when I tell you I’m here, you accuse me of what? Abandoning you?”

  “Sar, I didn’t mean—”

  “Yes, you fucking well did, Theo!” I screamed. “What do you want from me? Isn’t it enough, I’m having your child? Isn’t it enough, that I love you? Isn’t it?”

  “No, it’s fucking well not enough!” Theo roared. “I’m tired of sharing you, tired of you never being home weekends, tired of you fucking that snake—!”

  I hung up on him, and went into the bathroom to the Jacuzzi as the phone promptly began ringing again.

  There was no way in hell I was answering it. If I’d had somewhere else to go where I’d be safe, I would have gone there. Either Lash and Titus had likely called Dev by now. Once he knew I was here, he’d probably come home tonight, even if he hadn’t been planning on it.

  I sat in the Jacuzzi and cried until the tears stopped coming. Drained and exhausted, I went to bed, wishing for drugs to ease my frantic thoughts. I lay there for a long time, and finally, I slept.

  When I awoke in the morning, I was still alone.

  Chapter Seven

  I was shocked, but also relieved to be alone. I hadn’t woken up alone in a long time. I stretched out my arms, yawning widely. God, I felt relaxed. It was so very nice not to have to get up and do anything, to have to talk to anyone.

  Guilt hit me at once over my shirked responsibilities, because someone else was feeding my pets, and seeing to the needs of my children. I rubbed my eyes, then reached for the phone and called Theo.

  He picked up on the first ring. “Sar?” he said hesitantly.

  “It’s me,” I said. “I’m sorry about the things I said last night.”

  “I’m sorry for what I said, too,” Theo replied. “I never should have told you to leave. I was just worried—”

  “You were right to,” I interrupted. “It’s safest right now until you deal with Robert.”

  “I told Danial what happened yesterday. He wants you not to come in this week, to stay there with Devlin.”

  “I think you should stay with Danial,” I proposed. “If Robert’s gunning for you, that’s the best place to fight him, with an army of guards around you. Send some of Danial’s werefox guards to watch our house and pets. Then our house and pets won’t be a target.”

  “I’ll find out who was responsible for the attack this week,” Theo growled. “I’ll see you soon, Sar. I love you.”

  “And I love you,” I said softly.

  After hanging up, I looked at the big bed and wondered what to do next. I could work on the filing, sure, but now I had all week for that. I could try Serena; it was after ten, so she should be up. Maybe we could have a long talk, and bake something chocolate. But maybe she was still mourning Vince and didn’t want to see me.

  Irritated with myself, I picked up the phone to call Devlin. There was no way he knew I was here, or he would have come to me, if only for a few hours, to sleep.

  Quickly I put the phone back down. What if he was spending the day in bed somewhere else, with someone else, a someone else he could have some sex with? That was a real possibility. What would I say if a woman answered his cell phone? I’d better have something ready, in case.

  I swallowed my pride, rehearsed a quick hello, then called his cell. Dev didn’t answer it. I was surprised, then worried. He’d always answered his cell before when I had called.

  I’d try Lash. His cell rang for a while, and then an electronic voice came on, saying the caller was unavailable, and to try back later.

  Irritated and worried, I got my own cell phone from my purse and hit send on Devlin’s cell number. “You damn well better answer.”

  Devlin answered on the second ring. “Hi, Sar. How are you, Love?’

  His voice was slightly out of breath. I’d only seen him get winded doing one thing.

  “Yes,” I stammered. “I’m good, um…how are you?”

  “Fine,” Devlin purred.

  I tried for a reply that didn’t sound accusatory or suspicious. I was still trying when Devlin said curiously, “Why did you call me? Is e-mail down?”

  “Perhaps I missed the sound of your voice?” I said curtly, trying to bring myself to ask him if he was with someone else.

  “No, something’s wrong,” he said quickly. “You’re calling from your cell, not your home or Danial’s. Where are you? Are you okay?”

  “I’m at Hayden, in your bed. I waited for you last night, but you never—”

  “You have been there all night and didn’t call me?” he shouted.

  I cringed.

  “Stay there!” he yelled angrily. “Don’t you dare move! I’m coming to you now.” He yelled for Titus and hung up.

  If Titus was with him, why hadn’t he told him? Shit, he was probably getting threatened with being flayed again for not telling Devlin I was here.

  A moment later, Devlin and Titus appeared in the room. Devlin’s eyes found mine at once and held. “Leave us.”

  Titus left, giving me a quick smile. Devlin hastily crossed the room to me, and grabbed me tightly in his arms.

  I hugged him hard. “Dev, I...”

  “Don’t say anything,” he said in a commanding tone.

  I instantly fell silent. He held me for a few moments more, then let his arms fall and headed into the bathroom. Was he washing off some other woman’s perfume? I thought I’d gotten a whiff of something, but wasn’t sure.

  Telling myself not to think about that, I went back to bed. Sometime later, Devlin crawled in with me, and laid his head on my chest. Groggily, I put my arms around him, and dropped back to sleep.

  I awoke at noon, ravenous, Devlin still on my chest.

  I nudged him gently. “Dev.”

  “What is it?”
he said grumpily.

  “I need to eat something. Let me up, please.”

  He looked up at me with his molten gold eyes, then settled back down. “Call Serena and have her bring you up a tray.”

  Ass. “Dev, I want to go downstairs—”

  “Why is that, Sar?” Devlin said nastily. “So you can call Theo out of my hearing?”

  “I already called him this morning,” I said coldly. “I told him I’d be home Sunday. But maybe I should tell him to come get me now.”

  Devlin pushed himself up on his arms, looking into my eyes from a few inches. “You’re staying all week?” he said in disbelief, his expression hopeful.

  “If that’s not an imposition.” I sighed. “There was another attempt on his life yesterday.”

  Devlin beamed, overjoyed. He got to his feet and offered me his hand. “Let’s get you some breakfast, Love.”

  * * * *

  After a luxurious and very fattening breakfast of pancakes, bacon and sausage, we went back to his bedroom.

  “Are you still spotting?” Devlin asked tentatively, turning back the covers. “I feel odd to ask you, but I’m worried after what Camlyn said.”

  “I’m fine,” I replied. “There’s been nothing for the last day.”

  “Will you stay with me here today?” he asked, getting into bed. “I know you probably aren’t tired, but I’d enjoy it if you’d stay.”

  “Sure,” I said, relieved. “I felt awkward, just showing up here last night.”

  “Sar,” Devlin chided softly, “I want you here. I always want you here. You’re my Oathed One. You have a standing invitation.” He beckoned. “Come.”

  His passion and love was undeniable, yet again I felt oddly uncomfortable. I managed a smile, then got into bed. He put his arms around me and began stroking my hair gently.

  “I’ll sleep days with you this week and work at night, while you’re gone,” I said, wanting to hear his response. “Friday I’ll try to get the lay of the gardens with Lash, and spend some time with Serena.”